Lament

 Sometimes I don’t feel accepted. A lot of the times I'll walk into a church and I see people buzzing around in their friend groups but I don't fit. I tried to make way with someone that I thought had common ground, to get to know them and their friends, but I think every time I reach out in a sense to bond with someone, it was treated as this alien thing. I often feel like I'm too studied for Christian churches when we're walking through Romans which mentions God's Law and I speak on it in proper context and am asked to leave. I'm ironically at Christian churches because I need the grace, love and fellowship that I find lacking in Messianic places. When I say that I sometimes don't feel accepted, what I actually mean to say is that most of the time I don't feel accepted. In my mind I understand that by challenging certain Doctrines from the scriptures themselves, it is a threat to people’s way of life in the platform of something sacred. It is not my intention to break that which is Holy. It is my intention to reconcile that which is True by the Word, with the rest of the Word as, If I have found something totally in error, I need to understand how. As I've walked in this way, which seems like a sect, a branch, a denomination of which many do not wish to claim, I have watched loved ones of like mind drift out into the disbelief. I wonder at times if I am living by faith, or surviving it. I read of Jeremiah's lamenting at the "church" mocking him and putting him in stocks as God grieves those who rejected His ways, and I feel lonely because I see as Jeremiah does but I am not as righteous. I grieve as Elijah does on the mountain top as a man who stood in front of priests and men and begged them to understand that God's ways are truth, but I am not holy as Elijah. I haven't the ambition or the drive to become some leader and preacher or teacher as some have spoken, I've rejected that pretty much every place it's spoken. I wonder if there is a church I can belong though.  A place where we can read and study the word and grow together and be friends, or a family. A place where I am not looked at as an outcast for genuinely pointing out that the scriptures do not contradict, and cannot in the context, and should they then it is the Doctrines of men that should be adjusted. I'd like to be able to enter church and not measured by my shortcomings and condemned for having flaws not yet fully crucified. I'd like to be in a church that I do not hear unbiblical sermons advocating certain sins that they believe God has made a way for them to enjoy. I'd like to be in a church that doesn't perpetually spend hours poring over numerals and pictorial Hebrew letters, and spends three hours discussing Greek words that never touch the state of the Heart or the power of the renewal of Christ in the Holy Spirit of God. I'd like to not be treated like a wolf looking to devour sheep for asking Biblical questions in a search for right understanding. I'd like to be a part of a body that doesn't have Alex Jonesian theologies in adding to the Word of God with widely disputed texts that have been verified as debunked, in order to add "special knowledge" about Nephilim, some secret plot to hide the shape of the earth, or the need to "Enhance scriptural understanding" via something that is not Scripture itself. More and more I see people spin out into deception, and heresy, apostasy and contempt. I'm left feeling like a man with no country. To not fellowship with anyone is tactically vulnerable from a Spiritual standpoint. I am weak as one, alone. I am susceptible alone for prolonged extent.  I wonder how long until my own love grows cold. I wonder how to properly love a body that holds me in contempt.