"Where are you? Where are you honestly?
In a state of emotional vulnerability and spiritual awareness of war. In my depressive state I haven't had much energy to leave the house too often, which is a problem seeing as how living with my parents constant criticism is an agitant. The Isolation, occasionally intentional, sometimes unintentional, isn't effective for recuperation as the only time that I am really truly physically alone is when I am in the bathroom or in my car on the way to work. I've read your question a few times over the past two hours and wondered how to really answer it. The emphases being on the honesty, and perhaps, this explanation is a bit too honest... but really did you expect me to lie? Is omittion deceit? are the statements a man makes though completely true, but not truly complete, qualify as a lie?
I thought long about your question. I'm reminded of God and Adam in the garden, where God asks him something of the same. I'm like Adam. Lost in a familiar place, with a bitten apple, trying to cough up the poison of death. I weigh the cost of life, the spiritual kind, and I look around at all the people that have someone that they can be vulnerable with. I think back to Adam in the garden and how he wasn't deceived when he bit the apple. He followed the woman. HE chose death with his bride. It was almost a noble rebellion. A romantic failure that doomed all man kind. Yet, in his death, there was a promise of a redeemer to redeem all of creation from death... A redemption of a bride. In those moments, of choice... where he held that apple, both alive and dead in the same moment.. I wonder if he thought about all the times he was alone before God gave him a woman. How much time was spent just him and God, before God said "It isn't good for man to be alone" And in that sin, God asked "where are you adam" and he had hid because of his shame and his awareness of all that constitutes evil. I wonder how he felt in that moment, standing there cowering with heaviness of his choices. Then again, maybe I'm not like adam. Maybe my choice for sin isn't romantic or noble but steps from a selfishness. A rebellion that we all have in our hearts, you know. The dichotomous heart that is part stone, and part flesh with the commands of God written on them. So, I struggle with these things, the matters of light and darkness, life and death, good and evil, hope and anguish, sin and redemption, obedience and rebellion, grace and truth... and I fight them to concerts of criticisms with the occasional applause breaks of love. I watch as people wax and wane with waves of self centered focus and sacrificial giving , and I wonder where at any given moment I am in comparison or relation. Am I giving of my self to the point that I am satisfied, while still maintaining healthy boundaries within the scope of what I can take? Reflecting on how streight and narrow the path of the streight and narrow goes, you know.
I haven't been to church because I've been working.
